Unique' signs of affection
by aDDleD.BraIn
Summary: Lily and James always had there 'unique' way to show love...such as Lily kicking James's...nut and James going on his knees and looking up Lily's skirt. Not to mention feet kissing. JPLE SBOC RLOC Read, review, inhale lotsa laughing gas.
1. Prolouge:Marauders Book Allergy

**Hello Peaople of the world yes this is a new writer Waves with a new fic, Yes maybe it does remind you of a corn-filled potato but who really cares! Anyways read enjoy try laugh by inhaling some laughing gas. **

**Disclaimer: Only the soul of James Potter belongs to me MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But J.K Has the rest of the credit  but I'll get it all ONE DAY!**

**Prolouge: Growing up.**

**(But a catcher title is)**

**The affects of books on Marauders**

"Potter! What the HELL did you just do to that boy over there?"

It wasn't surprising to find Lily Evans's screaming at a particular bespectacled boy with a wad of messy hair that pointed out in all direction and to the ladies (except for Lily) was HOT STUFF. James Potter as usual had done something not only stupid but also something very extravagant and in this case he had turned a little cocky third grader into a one-eyed slug with a flower growing out of its… well… where-the-sun-don't-shine.

"He deserve it Lily!" said James while he eyed the slug in high suspicion as the seemed to glare very evilly at him crawling around in circles with what looked like extreme difficulty..

"HOW IN MERLIN'S NAME COULD A THIRD GRADER DESERVE THIS?"

James gave a tiny flinch while Lily's face turned redder and redder looking particularly angry at what he had down. He thought it was a masterpiece, Lily had always stood out for the crowd of him, she was not only the prettiest girl he had ever seen but she was also the smartest, funniest, independent girl he knew, not to mention she was plain sex appeal to him.

"He was checking you out Lils, if I hadn't turned him into this you would have had a third grader hand glued to your arse!" explained James, pointing at the slug which was once a boy, a twisted minded perverted corrupted kid which just showed how well his friend Sirius Black had corrupted the youth.

" I DON'T EFFING CARE IF HE WAS CHECKING ME OUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF, YOUR …JAMES HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"

James rolled his eyes the Lily rambles which had given him twice to many times.

"HE STARTED IT, He goes up to me and says 'what's that girls name with the red hair?' And I ask him why and then he said because your tosh was something sexy!"

Lily raised an eyebrow and she watched James explain his views to her.

"So then I turn him into a slug to prevent any arse touching or bum gazing from happening and besides it's a lesson to him to not hit on my girl!"

Lily glared at James in annoyed purification.

"James. I'm. Not. Your. Girl."

"Sure you are!" James smiled as if was just a tiny mistake that Lily had forgotten about. Lily just wanted to hit James.

"If I'm your girl then you fucked all the marauders!"

"EWWW!"

"Exactly, I'm not your girl!"

James gave, a furious Lily, a suggestive wink trying uselessly to be seductive and seduce her though anyone would see no point and a lot of pain in this procedure as the last time 'someone' tried to seduce Lily… well… lets just say the certain 'someone' he wasn't able to sit down on anything for three days.

"Do you want to be."

_SLAP_, like I said a lot of pain.

"POTTER why do you care someone's checking me out? You might as well as turn yourself into a slug with a flower for his nut!"

But James's eyes where looking down particularly close to Lily's curves eyeing it the whole time Lily was giving him a lecture about who knew what, Lily angrily crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently on the floor waiting for James to stop perving on her and probably having 'R' rated images of her in his head. James who was having sex fantasies just began drooling though unfortunately his best friend wasn't there with a bucket to catch it.

"_POTTER _I'd appreciate it if you'd stop looking at my body parts!'

James grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry Lils what where we having a lovely conversation about?"

Lily sighed angrily rubbing her temples.

"You're not making this any easier!" Yelled Lily while muttering Bloody Flowerpothead!

"It WOULD be easier if you'd go out with me!" James tilted his head in utmost ease waiting for a reply, he enjoyed taunting Lily evilly enough but inside his brain he was slapping himself hard enough that he could nearly feel it physically and then causing into exorcism of brain damage.

Lily snapped.

"JAMES POTTER get this into your head I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU! I WOULDN'T GO IF YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH!"

James smiled cheekily. "What happens if I was the second last person on earth?"

Lily's temper bubbled to boiling point that steam was literally coming out of her ears and clogging the common room up like the heavy thick smog that was always in Tralawny's room when you entered it making you to cough and wheeze and have life long heart damage and Lung failures!

"I WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU JAMES POTTER NOT EVER!" With that Lily turned around and stomped up the stairs; but James had a puzzling question in his mind that never could be left unattended otherwise he would take extreme suicidal measures to find the answer.

"WHY Lily?"

Lily spun around her flaming red hair twirling behind her shoulders something she did ever so gracefully.

"Why what?"

"Why not? Why won't you ever go out with me? What have I've done to you? I've never hurt you!" James blurted out quicker then a squirrel losing it's nuts. Lily looked at him in pure silence her eyes clouded up so no one could read her feelings but there wasn't the usual looks of sparks flying out of her eyes, zapping you if you touched it. James held his breathe. Lily sighed slightly.

"The question isn't why not James? It's why! Why do you ask me out continuously? Why is it me you stalk? Why do I only get visits from the 'lingerie fairy?"

James held back a smirk at the last comment true he did steal Lily's lingerie some time in his fifth year and whenever he did he would usually leave a note saying: The Lingerie Fairy. But he stopped in his sixth year when he decided he didn't want to sound like a freaky perverted obsessive molester after on of his dormitory mate (coughremuscough) found a hidden stash of PlayWitch magazines under his bed not to mention a fairy is usually a female and James didn't want to seem like some homosexual/gender confused person who was interested in lingerie.

"Why don't you just leave me alone after I tell you no?"

James could feel his heart jumping put of his mouth, either it was that or the ear waxy steam that was coming out of Lily's ears with a piercing:

WWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR making him wheeze.

James looked at Lily pant as if she had just had sex standing up, her lips were sealed with a dignified silence but in James's head he thought she was in her very sexy PMSing stage. Or if it was on the same month it would be 'playing hard to get.' Why did he follow Lily continuously? He could get any girl in the school, even that Shemale who called shimself Nickola and hit on all the guys, though she/he's gender was unknown as Nickola had a moustache with a homosexual voicey lisp. She'he also had a man's names in it.

Why did James pick Lily to have sex fantasies about and steal her undies and long to undress her?

Then it hit him like a loud gong.

Faster then a muggle could fly

Faster then Sirius could process a why the chicken DID cross the road.

Faster then Peter could brush his teeth.

Faster the Remus could read Sirius's nonsense language.

Faster then Lily could achieve detention.

Faster then Professor Mcgonagoll could wrestle Hagrid woman on man to the ground

Faster then Dumbledore's beard could grow.

Faster then a girl could put on her makeup for the ball

… Which meant it hit him pretty was pretty slow.

Love? What was love? If James could pause time he would of looked around for Remus, Place a 10000000000 page dictionary in front of him, bribe him, taunt him, even threaten to molest him until he looked up the word Love then he would order Peter to note take Remus's ramble…and then he would have Sirius laugh maniacally at him. But he didn't have that superman power.

But was he in love? He glanced up at Lily who looked slightly worried that he was silent for more then three seconds. James Potter only managed to not to talk for 2 milliseconds in his waking time. Even at night he mumble to himself. He chewed his lip.

"I…"Lily gave him a small look James continues. "Know you are just in denial you'll own up one day…one day!" he winked an eye and wriggled an eyebrow. How he could do two eye things at once was a complete big mystery, why he didn't tell Lily that he loved her was his own little secret which he will confess to Lily probably in a few later chapters. Sorry, er… any ways.

Lily sighed to herself gave him a small look that averted from oh-well to you're-an-annoying-boy-who-will-never-grow-up-just-like-peter-pan-except-peter-pan-is hot-and-fictional-unlike-you-you-immature-prating-prat. How James could understand this was a complete mystery.

James quickly added in.

"Will you go out wit-" Lily silenced him quickly… with the middle finger… accidentally of course… (coughnotcough).

"Grow up James Potter then I'll consider you."

She stalked off in a huff taking her steam with her.

James was happy that the steam was gone he didn't like losing his voice otherwise he couldn't hear it. But his heart was caught up in his throat really soon to be regurgitated, he sadly stood there feeling his heart tearing apart AND coming out of his throat at the same time (cool eh?). He looked at Lily's fiery red hair bounce of behind her.

What was he going to do? What would answer his questions? What would make him get Lily?

One thing.

Grab Remus and go on his knees… it worked every other time.

And that's what he did.

"Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony."

James was walking down the hall screaming like a banshee, scaring many midgets and elves away and giving the bespectacled giraffe a weird look, the nickname to his Maraudering friend who was probably doing something un marauder-ish. Like… reading a book… or not attracting attention…or not being immature…or not attempting to set Lily Evans hair on fire… wait that was only James.

"MOONY, MOONY, MOONY, MOONY, SODDING MOONY MOO-!"

James suddenly stopped his yodelling. He was just about to enter the no-marauder-land that only Ramus went to… which was slighty contradictory-like. Yes, he breeched marauderer rules but was it really his fault with his obsession of books? Of course not. James viewed the musky l.i.b.r.a.r.y he gulped. Eerie shelves of _books_! _Books_ everywhere you looked. Reeking smell of fresh new _book_s. Complete and utter _silence...book_ Manic_ book _lover with a craze of an ugly-cat lover. Yes he was in the land of his hell. He inhaled deep breath and took a step in the l.i.b.r.a.r.y.

James walked around prodding random people with sandy hair. He walked to a particular guy who had very sandy hair… very sandy hair; the sand was practically visible. And yelled straight to the guy 'MOONY!' The sand man fainted.

James was very good at making people faint, such as being in the no-marauder-land everyone was fainting seeing him there.

James shrugged and went off again.

"Moony, moony, moony, moon- James?"

James turned around. Remus was on a library ladder reading a book that took up a whole shelf…he was half way through. James goggled at the book thickness, he had only ever finished a 4 pages. And the picture took ¾ of the page. He never even new books could be THAT thick.

Ah…well.

"MOONY!"

"SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH"

James looked around for where to shush came from, he only saw the shelves, and he felt claustrophobic for a second.

"moony," James whispered. Silence. Remus goggled at James, James goggled back, they soon had a goggling competition.

Googlegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegoggle

Remus felt his eyes sting so he decided to stop goggling because it looked like he was as Sirius said 'looking people up' plus Remus hated watery eyes. It stopped him from reading.

"Holy Merlin, is it just me or does everyone love the library for a second!"

"Er it's you?"

Remus was looking worried, James could tell, he was glad that Remus was worried, though Remus was only worried for James's mental health. Nice friend wasn't he?

"We had Wormtail first! Then Padfoot now you!"

"Er..say wha-…?"

BLEAGHESRDIGN!

"IscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscared," Sirius emerged from inside a shelf (weird eh?"). He must have been traumatised because he wasn't even saying I scared right. Oh, and his eyes were popping out, face was white and shivering.

James looked at Sirius he knew that if he stayed in the l.i.b.r.a.r.y any longer he would have also been shipped off to St Mungos screaming.

"Woah padfoo-"

"Look a book!"

James looked in the direction Peter pointed out, oo yes it was a book.

"WOW Wormtail."

"Look another book!"

"Er…yeah Womzes!"

"And another, and another BOOKS AAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Peter grabbed his head and sank to the ground whimpering books. Books had quite the affect on the marauders. Iscared repeating, book pointing, claustrophobic feeling and book obsessions. It was a marauder thing, it was abnormally BIG affect, but all in the head it was.

"SHUUUSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!"

James, Sirius and Peter looked around for the SHHHHHHUUSSSSSSHHHHHHH makes. Remus who probably grown use (because he lived in the library) to it didn't bother he looked at his traumitized friends. The poor souls all trapped in the big wide library. At least Remus had not taken them to the Magical Library for Wizards and Witchs or they would of commited suicide. Or be fatally wounded.

But why were they even here?

"Guy why are you even here?"

Sirius, who was biting his nails and glancing around scared, answered .

"Is pink a gay colour?"

James and Remus gave Sirius the strangest look, Peter continued his head banging (thump thumb thumpity thump). That question made Sirius come to the Library and driven insane by…books? Ah…well Sirius always took desperate measures to achieve answered questions. Once Peter said 'if I threw my quill down the toilet could I get it out?' And well. We don't want to know what Sirius does.

"No Padfoot or you'll be calling half the female populaton lesbians and they wouldn't snog you.

Sirius stopped his nail biting and nervous glancing and stood straight.

"Oh…" he slouched lazily on the shelf putting his FULL weight on the shelf…and Sirius just ate. Uh oh. He looked at his nail. "Great now I need a manicure! I HATE YOU BOOKS!"

SLAP SLAP SLAP.

Remus turned to Peter who was head banging like a suicidal mania.

"Does THUMP my THUMP butt THUMP look THUMP big THUMP in THUMP this?"

Since when did Peter care about butt looking big in robes? He wore those robes 24 hr Seven not to mention his matching undies. He'd change his undies at least once a… year. Only one person cared butt flubber. No, not James, he only cared about hair-messiness and a certain redhead. It must have been… Sirius.

"Sirius?"

"Well it does look big in it, it just sticks out and, and, and it looks weird." Sirius was horrible at self-defence. (Emphasize on horrible).

Remus grabbed Peter's head from the annoying thumping that was now thumping a beetles song and said. "Your butts fine."

James marvelled a Peter's purple bump, which seemed to cover his whole face. Purple was such a pretty colour and it suited Peter too much for James's liking. Purple did match Peter's dandruff-y type of hair. After his marvelling James went back to hyperventilating.

"James what troubling you?"

BREATH breath BREATH breath.

Sirius listen to his hyperventilate rate. It was on extreme.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Jamesies got Lily problems!"

James reacted in the most dramatic way

"I don't you pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig."

Name calling.

Sirius side glanced at James then mouthed to Remus and Peter. Trouble In Bed. Remus rolled his eyes. What immaturity! Peter just wondered how James had trouble in bed.

"Do you wet the bed too Prongs?"

James stopped accusing Sirius of being a pig by pointing to the shelf next to him and looked at Peter. Did he urinate in bed? No he hadn't since he was three. If you didn't count the one time his was 13 and Sirius spilled apple juice all over his white sheets and said James wet the bed. James's mum gave him a 2 minute lecture about bed-wetting and how he might of needed a diaper. Thus Sirius owed James two minutes of his life. Sodding Parents.

"Yes I have Lily troubles." James saidsmally, deciding to ignore Peter's bed problem ideas and accusing.

"I told you!" Sirius yelled triumphantly.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"No!" he slumped even more weight that the shelves began to tip slightly. Could a slim looking boy weigh that much? Well Sirius Black did have hidden Blubber in his…nuts.

"Continue James," said Remus but glancing at Sirius slouching, so much weight could cause trouble.

James recounted how he made a 3rd year turn into a flower-growing slug and how they yelled and yelled. How he was about to be serious for a second. An added in pun by Sirius. How she yelled again. Many gasps of oooo and aaaaaaahhhhhs and sexy beast. A hard slap. SLAP and more retarded comments added by Sirius. And Peter commenting on bladder control.

There was silence. Woah there was never silence through the marauders. There was always Sirius complaining to fill it in. Or James yelling: 'I LOVE LILY EVANS' or at least something close to it such as shagging or molesting. But this bloss ended in a nanosecond

Darn

"Grow up James!"

"What Lily is that you in Remus's body?" James scrutinised.

Sirius double took and stared at Remus." Eww tthats gross you now have a pi-"

"No James I mean grow up. Stop acting pratty around Lily!"

"What!" Sirius's eyes were popped out of his sockets, he place them back in . "But immature is our motto! He can't stop now! Moony what are you doing? Breaking the marauders up!" Sirius was wailing know he choked James by grabbing him. "You'll stick with me Prongs!"

"I thought our motto was: 'shush you'll wake the pigs'!" commented Peter in wonderment. He looked at Sirius with confuzzlement. Sirius shrugged. "Meh."

"What do you mean I'm mature! My voice cracked and I have hair on my pin-"

"To much information."

Remus looked away in disgust as if james was about to show him, who commented on pubic hair? This was not a normal conversation! REPEAT NOT NORMAL.

"I'm not a prat Remus! What are you on about?" Remus shook his head

Tell me prongs, do you ever listen to Lily's screams?"

"No Remus don't reveal the truth!" Sirius scream then blocked his ears singing "Polly wolly doodle all the day.

"Hey DOODLE!"

"Yeah she's in denial isn't she?"

"No."

"I've always wondered how men do breastroke!" Peter said alarmingly.

"Er with their moobs?" answered Sirius. "Or they can use their balls?"

"She wants you to grow up! If you did she'd consider you!"

This hit James:

Faster: then Sirius could eat

Faster: then Remus could solve a Sirius riddle

Faster: then Peter could urinate

Faster: then Lily could notice James do something idiotic

Faster: then Snape could not wash his hair

Faster: then a blonde ditz could giggle

Which was pretty fast.

"Grow up!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Grow up?"

"No James we shall remain Peter Pan and not grow up to have wrinkley tits!" Sirius was on his knees practically begging.

"That's all?"

"er…"

"I could grow up with my eyes closed!"

"But James!'

"That's easy you sillybutt!"

"What you just call me!"

"James! Our buttocks aren't silly they are practically normal… does that mean I can call you silly balls!"

"I'm gonna show her I'm mature now!"

"James… it's the last day of school! You need to pack and everyth-"

"Uh ohh guys I released something!" They looked at Peter who was whimpering.

SNAP!

No not someone being castrated more of a shelf being knocked over.

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Sirius's weight finally knocked the book filled shelf over and now they had a shelf of dominoes.

They glared at Sirius.

"Heh, heh,heh… Whoops."

"WHO DID THIS?" that was the women who had an obsession with the man who had a cat obsession.

_Oopsies!_

Not far away to three girls were grinning to each other.

"He doesn't need to grow up!"

"Well, yeah he does, only to get Lily out of denial!"

"OMG Sirius is so strong to push those shelves over!"

"snort his hidden dick blubber and moobs did that!"

"Can't he tell she already likes him?"

"There both head over heels!"

"She does a very weird way of showing her affections to him!"

"Like screaming…"

"…and gonad kicking."

"Lily should just say yes, I could get closer to Sirius!"

"Well James has weird affections too like begging."

…and setting her hair on fire.

"Yeah…there unique!"

"Unique!"

"James and Lily both have…"

"Unique signs of affections!"

**Spare me the insults! No stop it! Was it that BAD! Er… I hope no one was insulted or found it weird! I tried to make it as good as I could peaople! I'm sorry if you Peaople didn't like it! Though er… I tried my best and I'll be continuing! Whatever you say I don't CARE! … sowy I'll be more polite and I hope you review this new and weird writing! **

**REVIEW my people it takes only 4 seconds…! I'll go on my knees! I swear!**

**Aim: 15 reviews!**


	2. Hit by a Gong and Plonked to

**HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO Porcupines! I give you a Chinese bow to symbol light for you reviews, but it didn't get to! I hope you like this Chappie JUST as much as the odder CHAPPIE or else you get the finger! … I'm sorry according to my friends I'm just sexually frustrated…whatever that means, those 'rear'tards!**

**Disclaimer:**** I On NOTHING nothing n.o.t.h.i.n.g I say stop looking at me like that I own NOOTHHHHHIIIIINNNGGGGGG! Well I do own a sleeping bag… **

**SpAzZzZzAtTaCk Darn you spazzo and Your superly dooperly lloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnggggggggg review ge-hees! And I do not have bad grammar it's just… my er…bladder! Sorry LoL You Crack My ButtOckS up ya know? Darn homework such a horrible curse I say! Catches all of yoouuu! And no I have no idea either what willering moons mean…maybe it's some sorta latin? You keep updating too!**

**Why Black Hairs the New Blonde: Ar! I Thank you with all the flutter in my heart for you reviewing my ficcy! TIS AN HONOUR MISSY! LOVE YA! Yasies! Hope you like this Chapter!**

**And noww the fic!**

**The edited title: Head boy and head girl**

**The real title: Hit by a Gong and Plonked to the ground**

Sleeping is a delicacy in most peoples life and at the age of 17 you usually have to have at least eight hours of sleeping otherwise you get these dull black hideous rings around your eyes which look like you just spilled permanent ink over your eyes and spent fritting-less amounts of hours trying to wipe it off with water when you could be sleeping thus there are more black hideous rings around your eyes.

Dreaming is also a nice sensation when you're in the stage of sleeping especially if the dream is about chocolate land and you have a large obsession with it. If woken purposefully the person is highly likely to clog the room up with steam or there many bruises would be laid on a certain object.

These two facts are completely useful; especially you were about to wake your beloved sister up with a loud gong.

"GONG!"

Lily shot straight up as if a loud gong just woke her up. And it did so lets use another example. As fast as Sirius Black could laugh at a cow having it's udders squeezed. Which was pretty funny as milk comes out of it, which is largely similar to sperms.

"OW!"

"Get up freaky, freak, because fricken mum told me to get you a freak up because the friken freakiness of you can't get anymore freakafied!"

Was Petunia a person who had a tape inside her…yes other wise why would she always have the word freak in it? Or maybe she had an obsession with the word freak around Lily.

"Okay Petunia I'm up!"

Petunia glared at Lily.

"Oh did I just hear the freaky wind freaking in freakiness?"

Lily stayed silent. Half the time she had no idea what Petunia was on about. Well except for the word freak. Maybe if she looked at Petunia in a weird way, smiled and nodded as if she new everything Petunia said, made her self look better then Petunia because Petunia was much uglier then Lily she would go away.

Petunia narrowed her eyes at Lily; she looked down at her boobs (yes Petunia loved perving on herself) then looked a Lily's. Lily felt very, very disturbed, was Petunia comparing her boob size with herself just like guys did with their… wieners? Petunia smirked mumbling. Mine are bigger! Then walked out of the room…clutching her boobs. Which isn't the most normalest thing in the world.

"Pervert…" muttered Lily under her breath as she got out of bed while yawning, boy did she have good morning breath, lucky sod she was, of course maybe she just chewed a mint while she was asleep. But anyways…

Lily rummaged around for some clothes of course first she needed to take a shower which you don't really want to hear about unless your some major pervo who looks up porn everyday of your life but since you don't lets skip Lily's shower!

Lily quickly slipped on a pair of jeans (which does not mean that she wore two jeans at the same time) and a green halter-neck top before she took the stairs by twos. She emerged into her kitchen.

Petunia screamed shrilly like a cow and a duck, which was a very constipated sound, Lily rolled her eyes, really what was so scary about her? Petunia hid under the table.

"Yes Petunia Hocus Pocus!" Lily commented sarcastically, of course she knew nothing was going to happen. The house next to them fell down, a cat ran past on fire and Mr Parker knocked on the door.

Petunia screamed again.

Lily frowned, maybe hocus pocus DID do something.

Lily's mum walked into the kitchen with a disturbed look.

"Mr Parker just told me… the proportion and capacity of his…" Lily's mum pointed down blushing.

"Did he tell you how wrinkly it was?" Lily asked grinning.

Mrs Evans gave her 'the look'. "No he told me it looked like a pin! I swear last time that old man told me it was 10 inches long!"

Yes, Lily really did love hocus pocus!

"Probably sags and sags of skin covering it up!"

"Lily!"

No, if you're wondering Lily didn't like Mr Parker, he was a grumpy man who was always measuring his body parts. Lily was worried about his serious pervertion problems…with himself, so she refined into teasing him.

Lily's mother decided to ignore Lily's comment and went to cooking, Lily's mother loved to cook, cooking was her life, she knew how to say cook in 15 different languages, including pig Latin!

Lily smirked to herself and looked under the table where Petunia was shaking.

"Pet what are you going to have for breakfast?"

Petunia flicked a giant hairball at Lily, which only got a few millimetres, Lily shrugged.

"Fine get anorexic for not eating and shake under the table!" Lily said still staring at Petunia. Petunia continued shaking Lily shrugged to herself and emerged up from the shaking Petunia and she bit into her toast. Crumbs spurted everywhere. It was strange, whenever Lily ate toast she would ALWAYS spurt crumbs everywhere, it was a common fact of life.

"When are Piper, Alex and Katherine coming?"

Ahhh, Piper, Alex and Kathryn Lily's best friends if you minus-ed her teddy, Sammy, they had been friends since year one which was the only time they could be friends from seeing as they didn't know that each other existed before this.

Alexandra Douglas, no please don't mistaken her as a guy because of the names, Alex had sleek black shoulder length hair, googly brown eyes and 'the right sized boobs' according to the marauders. Alex was sportish which doesn't only mean she did gonad kicking, no she played quidditch, beater to be precise. Alex had a scary-ish-ly perfect aim that if she chucked something aiming at a certain place…she get it…hard…in the middle.

Then we have Piper Joanie, well Lily does at least, hair in the middle of blonde and brown, now this was good because whenever someone would tease blondes she could say, 'cool I'm not blonde' and when it was a blondes only group she'd say 'yeah I'm blonde!' thus her hair killed two birds with one stone! Clear hazel-blue eyes and a cool personality. Prone never to panic and definitely a Hogwarts loved by the boys.

And last and probably least Kathryn Koleen, platinum blonde girl, now don't get Lily (and me) wrong for having a ditz for a group. Yes maybe she did want a 'nose job' and wore skirts ten inches from her knees but the point was…she completed the group, kinda. Well Smart Lily, Sporty Alex and Cool Piper don't we all need a ditz in the group? Er…she was good at stalking…Sirius Black…that's all lily can think of currently

"Er…I think sometime dunno…" Lily looked at her watch. "They're coming by floo!"

Petunia screamed…loud…and ran to her room scared of floo's. Or maybe she confused it for flu…?

An owl hooted for the window, Lily grinned, Pierre had come back from his flight with a…nose looking like thing in his beak. Lily petted the owl.

"Hey Pierre! Watcha got there?"

Pierre lifted up a leg, blinking. Lily unattached the letter, she bit into her toast spurting more crumbs around the room.

There was total of four letters.

"Thanks!" The owl hooted and flew up to Lily's room.

Lily tore open the first.

**Hey Lils,**

**Borrrreeedddd come on can't you mail me more what can I do confined in my room staring at old men mug babies? Gees I'm bored Lils not much is happening my dads chucking a spaz because he broke his toe. He blamed it on me coz I was there at the time. Meh I say I always thought the man was disallusional. Well I'll be at you house tomorrow (thank god).**

**See ya then**

**Alex –xoxo**

Lily grinned, she always, always received bored mail from Alex, no Alex wasn't boring she just got bored easily such as the fact that a crocodile was trying to bite her foot off and Alex immobilised it. She sent many-bored mail to her friends and then at the end of the holidays they saw she was in a cast.

Lily ripped open the second, but only the envelope, pointless to rip up the letter!

_Lily, _

_Hey what's up? Get bored mail from Alex too? Yeah that girl's crazy isn't she? Well I know I don't need to write seeing as I'm seeing you soon. Peru was wonderful there was great food, scenery-no Lils not just the guys! But speaking of guys, I met Remus Lupin; I know what are the odds? But he gave me a small smile and said his father had work in Peru so we basically hanged together in Peru. He's really nice and I enjoyed his company. Gees I sound as if I have a crush on him don't I? Well I don't…I think. Well, I'll see you at 10 Lils!_

_Love you_

_Pip_

Lily laughed, poor Piper, not knowing if she liked a guy or not. There were to many yes, a bit to many for her liking! Hey and they were coming at ten that was in…

5…4…3…2…baloney is good with cheese…1

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Lily stood up grinning, 'right on time!"

Alex coughed her face covered in soot and poo; well at least it looked like poo… she walked out of the fireplace while bumping into the fireplace wall.

"HOLY $h!t F8K&NG F#K… Lils you should upgrade your fireplace!" Alex rubbed her head, which was turning a pretty colour of florescent pink!

"Alex!" Lily ran to hug Alex. Alex toppled over with an unpleasureable weight and swelled head,

"Lils…ow…I love you too but you bone is digging into me!"

Yes, implying that Lily is really skinny. Lily broke her hug from Alex who was now gasping for breath.

Wheeeezzzeee, whhhheeeeezzzzzeee whhhhheeeeezee like a grumpy old man I say!" Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Har. Har. Alex!"

"Well I do think I have permanent liver damage Lils!" Alex groaned back hobbling to her seat clutching her stomach.

"Drama Queen." Lily mumbled.

"And the best," replied Alex picking out a yellow banana from nowhere and biting into it, it was brown and unripe…like Lily's bag after it fell into the lake!

"Summer been good? Is Pip here yet?"

"No you're the first," answered Lily. "Wow Al' what'd you do to your hair?"

Yes, maybe that is a question to ask when you have badly styled hair but Alex had just put eccentric blue streaks in her black hair.

"I streaked it, d'you lik-"

"AAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Petunia somehow emerged from the top of the stairs she looked from lily to Alex to Lily to Alex to her giant teddy to the talking couch to Lily to Alex. She screamed again.

"Petunia!" Lily said carelessly. "Remember Alexandra Douglas…? No? Well she's the one who turned that fruit bowl against you remember? You know fruitbowl, MUNCH MUNCH?"

Petunia just ran back to her room yelling one simple thing: 'FREAK!" but it sounded like "FannanaFoof."

Alex shrugged lazily. "I don't think she remembers me. Oh well I don't really remember her either just the word 'freak' again and again and again and then I thought she was a tape recorder."

Lily scratched her chin. " Oh yeah and then Pet thought we'd turn her into a tape recorder so she started smashing her hockey stick around! I remember that! Good times!"

Alex grinned.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Piper Joanie emerged from the fireplace banging into the wall to ducking so she didn't have a fluorescent head that was now beginning to throb on Alex's head.

" Hey guys whets up?"

"PIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIPIP!"

Piper was hit flat on the ground where Alex hit.

"GuYs!" Piper laughed giving them hugs back, smiling.

Lily Yayed.

"YAY! Now where's Kathryn?"

"Right here guys!"

Everyone boomed up to her like giant elephants in giant stampedes in giant waterholes… but where stop and much kitchen scratching was engraved on the floor.

"Not the hair guys," she said warningly, "And I just manicured my fingernails."

Lily, Alex and Piper stopped, looked at her, shrugged and got back to what they were doing.

"So Al' been wasting alotta paper and sending me and Lily bored mail?" asked Piper giving a small grin to Alex who moodily crossed her arms.

"Holidays are boring! Same house, same street, same purple mushroom in my shower…"

Piper rose a finally and newly waxed eyebrow and turned her attention to Kathryn. "

"So Kath how have you been doing?"

"I dunno, I guess I have been writing some mail (she blushed…very, very red… as red as the red balloon at my birthday party!) to…er…Sirius."

Alex snorted loud and clear, to the world, very unladylike actually.

"Black? Kath that's a whole bunch of Paper, think of the poor trees!"

Kathryn glared at Alex. "Well at least he actually likes me, he hate you!"

No, Kathryn wouldn't allow and Sirius Black dissing…it was a policy when it came to Sirius Black, the constellation Sirius the colour Black or anything else Sirius Black she'd go all protective and act all…protective when there was any Sirius Black dissing. Well, that's what happens when you join the Sirius Black Fan Club!

Alex did her snort again.

"Like I want him to like me?"

Piper rolled her eyes. "We all know you do Lexa!"

"WHAT!" whichever yelp was louder, it was hard to decide you see Alex didn't get along with Sirius Black but it wasn't as Lily and James. Boy, no, Lily actually would hex James but Alex only resolved to one thing. Gonad Kicking. And Kathryn was very protective. But I think the winner of the loudest yelp was…LILY!

Heads turned to Lily.

"OH. MY. GOD!"

Lily was shaking, her arms were shaking, her legs were shaking, boy, even her eyeballs began to shake.

"Lils…"

Piper quickly snatched off the piece of paper she shook with. She read…she shook. Kathryn, who was the second closest, snatched the piece of paper, read it and began to shake. Alex took the piece of parchment and…

"HEAD GIRL! WOW! YAYSIES LILS!"

And there was a funny tribal dance going around the room.

"OH. My. God!"

"It was expected!"

"Yay NOW I GET TO GO TO THE HEAD TOWER!"

They looked at Lily, she grinned sheepishly, okay, maybe she did want almighty power of the school and reasons to go to 'head only' privileges but…oh…who wouldn't?

"Heh heh Ahhhh, go back to celebrating!"

"Oh My Merlin who do you reckon head boy will be?"

"Amos…Diggory?"

"No, No it's that guy who has a serious pervertion problem!"

"Sirius Black it's gotta be him!"

Lily frowned head boy, she had hoped a lot that he wasn't a Slytherin or he had to be decent and non-pelvic thrust-ish. There was a last letter.

"Andy Norman?"

"Sally Badwick?"

"Sally's a girl!"

"Oh…then, Nickola?"

"Er… Nickola is a…um…"

"Sirius Black!"

"Hey look Potter sent me a letter! Gees this guy is really obsessive!"

Lily rolled her eyes she had received many numerous letters from James over past holidays one with a wedding rind and a giant pop out sign saying, well more like asking WILL YOU MARRY ME? Lily's owl such a shock he fainted thus Lily hit James for Owl abuse. But this holiday she had received none and this was her first.

"OMG Sirius might have written a message!" Kathryn died. Well died in love!

"Hey," Alex grinned as Lily opened the Letter. "Maybe he's head boy!"

"Right…yeah…sure that would be the day, James Potter: head boo-PLONK!" Piper stopped mid way to find Lily on the ground looking very scared.

"Lils?" Piper grabbed the letter she skimmed it. "Oh My Mar-PLONK!"

Kathryn snatched for the letter and read it…guess what? PLONK! She fainted.

Alex picked up the plonk-making letter she examined it, what did it read? It was a short but frightening message it read:

Hey Lils,

I'm missing you heaps and I thought it might interest you that I'm head boy.

See you at Kings Cross!

Yours always

James Potter

And Alex did this:

"WHAT THE HOLY F&K?"

…And PLONK!

**Yeah long but waaaaaahhhhhh I got so many hits but only three reviews this calls for drastic tantrums! IT MAKES ME MAD!**

**Sigh**

**Woah 9 pages I'm on a writing…thingo. Stupid homework, detention, after skool activities plus other society meetings are so effing ANNOYING so it's hard 4 me to fit in updates every eek!**

**Oh well plz review! **

**Takes to seconds!**


	3. IF tHe iNk tURns PInK: Your in LURVE

**SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! I WAS ON HOLIDAYS! I URGE U TO READ MY ONE SHOTS WHICH ARE PURELY LILY AND JAMES AND REVIEW TOO! **

**Hey guys! Crap guess what! I crapped my knee up! YAY! OKAY yes there is horrible pain but I get to: **

**Take the lift instead of stairs! **

**Boss everyone around **

**And get lots of privileges! **

**YAY! Lol if ur interested in how I crapped up my near it al l l l began when I was playing basketball versing my friend who shall be called 'A' yes 'A' is a HUMONGEOUS traitor to play another team then our team, but well she bumped into me hard and thus my leg crapped up real real bed! Don't worry! I get to rub it into her face! **

**Disclaimer: J.K Rowling owns all and I'm just filling lies into your heads. Oh, but I still own Nothing. Though I do repeat arse a lot too I admit! **

**Anyways this chappie isn't the bestest as I did it with a crapped knee and real fast over my holiday. it was in my head 4 a long time too! **

Chapter 2 

**Chapter's name: James Potter is in love **

**But for insanity: Definition If the ink change pink: Your in love **

"Head Boy…?" HEAD BOY? HEAD BOL-UH-DDY BOY? HEAD BOY? BOY WITH A HEAD? HEAD…HEAD...HEAD?"

Yes, Sirius Black was on the verge of: tears', fainting, screaming, urge for snogging AND dying but was it really his fault? Yes of course he wasn't in shock at all! Sirius's face was going into a slight Michael Jackson sort of colour (which doesn't mean he had a face for molestering) and that was really really really really really really BREATHE pale.

Of course it was faint-ful to find out that James Potter was head Boy of Hogwarts.

Head Boy of Pranking… believable

Head Boy of snogging…believable…but not in Sirius's eyes

Head Boy of having the cutest arse… REALLY believable

Head boy of annoying Lily Evans… IN her eyes… believable

Head boy of potatoes and green cheese…reasonably believable

Head Boy of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry…? Wait repeat that?

Head Boy of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry…? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?

No a hearing aid isn't needed; James Potter was remarkably Head Boy of Hogwarts School Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Sirius went as rigid as a board that lived in James's bedroom floor. He clutched his chest in obvious desperation to breathe; he fell dramatically to his knees. Gasp was it the Grim Wreaker? No, it was his pain and horror for James.

"HEAD BOY!"

"Sirius Shut-up!"

"HEAD BOY?"

"Padfoot!"

"HEAD BOY YOUR SCARYING THE SHIT OUTTA ME!"

"Padfeet shut your face up!"

"HEAD BOYIEEEEEIEIEIIEEEEIEEEEE!"

"SIRIUS SHUT UP!"

"NO I WILL NOT SHU-"

"HOLD YOU BUTTOCKS BOY!"

It was one thing to know that Remus Lupin hated migraines and at every sound of Sirius's voice was a 99.9 chance that Remus was going to receive one. Though it was one thing to know that Sirius Black did not care one bit!

"HEAD BOY! WHAT, GOD, ARE YOU DOING! HOW COULD YOU?" Tears caused by an onion that Peter was waving around came out of Sirius's eyes. "THERE SO YOUNG! THEY ARE TAKEN SO YOUNG! SO YOUNG I SAY, YOUNG, SO, TAKEN, WHY, FOUR-EYES?"

James looked at Sirius in full indignantation, sure maybe he did have an eye problem that made him scream YAAAAAAA YAAAAAAAAA when he didn't have his glasses on and moan like a constipated camel but really was it his fault he accidentally poured acid in his eyes when he was 8?

Anyways why was James head Boy? How did he get it? He could he deserve it?

"Padfoot shut-up or I'll get your voice stuck in my head!"

Sirius pointed an accusing finger to Remus.

"WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSE TO HAVE THE AUTHORITY! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Peter was covering his ears. Rat. Were potentially good listeners. So he squeaked.

"Padfoot!"

Remus side glanced at James, James shrugged. What had happened to his earmuffs?

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSE TO BE TOUCHED BY THE DARKSIDE! GASP!" Sirius gasped with and added in gasp. "YOR TOUCHED BY THE DARKSIDE!"

Besides the fact that Sirius and James had created the word 'dark side' out of a weird muggle book about I-am-your-father, James had every idea what the dark side was.

"I'm not touched by the dark side! Don't be a preposterous retard Sirius!" James tried his best to act casual, the one he did around Lily.

"PROVE IT!"

James glanced at Sirius, Sirius looked back. Remus sighed. Not the 'dark side' test. According to James and Sirius Remus wasn't in the dark side until he became prefect as he 'failed' a test on a weird combination of upside down handshakes. The thing was, Remus never got them. Peter on the other never ever tried the test as he gave himself a wedgie with the test.

Sirius and James their test handshake, tribal dance, then… James slipped on a banana peel.

"OMG!" gasped Sirius.

"OMG!" gasped James.

"Omg," gasped Remus in embarrassment.

"OMG!" Peter banged the fridge closed. "We're out of breadsticks."

"Freaks!" cried Sirius in a Petunia-sort-of-way, "All of you! Dark sides!"

He ran into a corner were sunbeam was beaming and started shaking.

"My god! I earned Head Boy!" James was about to vomit or cry it was hard to tell.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Prongs you ARE in the dark side!" Sirius moaned in an odd sort of melancholy way. Poor James didn't know what to say or what to do!

"Am…I…gonna…die?" asked James quietly.

"Yes!" answered Sirius loudly as if he was calling to someone in the other side of the world. The house boomed and rocked rockily.

"Noooooooooo!" James melted to the floor like a wicked witch of the west sort of way.

"I'm meltinnnngg! I'm gonna be Head Boy! I get to go to the prefect bathrooms, boss people around and prove to Lily that I'm growing up!

James's melting soon turned into rising…

"Prongs?" Peter looked scared. IT WAS ATTACK OF THE EVIL JAMES BOGGIE POTTER MAN

Rising…

Rising…

Rising…

…and he was floating in a few moments time. He was smirking widely that it probably would of scared the daylight of me. Boy was it scary, he must have been happier then the pineapple that was eaten yesterday!

"And then She'll love me and snog me and soon we'll have kids together and-"

"James!" Sirius barked.

"What?"

"My Brains can't take anymore nightmares!"

James rolled his eyes. And kept his fantasies to himself which was very very good thing because James Potter had a wild imagination when it came to Lily Evans! Very wild! Indeed. So wild that he could of won a noble prize award of being the most creative boy that was known to Earth.

Head Boy…

"How'd I get it?" asked James as if he was listening to a sage.

Of course James was surprised how he got the badge, man who wouldn't be? If there were a betting post with one million people in it on if James Potter could be head boy they would all lose A LOT of money! Besides James had the number of detention slips that could replace the Great Wall of China and sheesh that thing is MASSIVE!

But there was the badge with JAMES POTTER engraved in it.

"Maybe it was a mistake!" suggested Peter after he got over the overwhelming fact that they were out of breadsticks. "Maybe it was addressed to me!"

Er… a possibility.

"MAYBE!" Sirius gushed. "Albus Dumbledore went off his conk and read Remus Lupin as James Potter

"Dumbledore is not off his conk Padfoot!"

"Psshh a sherbet lemon obsession! CONKY TO ME!" yelled James loudly and horribly to the world.

Remus rolled his eyes again.

"Get it into your head James! YOUR HEAD BOY!"

"A boy with a what?"

No one laughed at James. Crickets chirped in the middle of the day.

James filled the crickety silence.

"But my detention slips can be seen from URANUS!"

Peter turned around with extreme difficulty and Sirius plunged into the LOUDEST hysterics known to man and women.

"HE HAY HOOO OF THE HOOO HA HEE!"

They stared at him.

"HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HU HU HU HU HU HU !"

"Sirius…"

" HARDI- Yes Prongs-I!"

"Go eat some carrots!"

You see carrots calmed Sirius's hysterical… ness down. It was weird, random and not normal, but also a fact of life that everyone must remember around Sirius Black! So off Sirius went to eat some carrots.

James sighed and leaned forward the table.

"You think it's her?"

Remus inhaled a deep breath of air. It went like Uhhhh-hhhhhuuuuhhhh.

"If it isn't her then you can call me gay and I'll shag a pickle!"

James looked weirdly at Remus, his eyebrows were positioned all funny and different and his mouth looked upside down!

"Moony…I never knew you had a fetish for pickles."

Remus gave James his FMMMing look (Full Moon Moony Mood).

"Are you saying Lily isn't Head Girl?"

James gasped exaggeratedly at his friend.

"We were talking about Lily? I thought you were talking about Snivellus!"

Peter piped in.

"He's a women? Padfoot told me he was a monkey with shaved balls," **(a/n: lol stuck on you moment!)** Peter tilted his head to one side, confused written from head to arse.

"Padfoot wanted to be a flobberworm when he was three," answered Remus, rolling his eyes.

"Well at least I didn't want to be the Weird Sister's guitar!" Sirius Black walked back into the room nibbling on a carrot. Of course it was Remus who dissed Sirius, so it would be strange to see Sirius Black dis James.

James blushed.

"Well _I _was 7."

"Nine"

"8"

"Eleven!"

"10"

"Done!"

Sirius and James shook hands with each other.

"So what were we on about Moony?"

"Lily…"

"Ahh… yes! Hot girl she is!"

James had a horrible memory. If you compared him to a goldfish, you'll be stuck with the difference!

"Is Head Girl…"

"She is?"

"She is?"

"She is?"

James, Sirius and Peter Gasp in shock. They look at each other.

"Well… DUH!"

Sirius smirked and shoved an arm over James.

"See Prongsies! There are ups on being Head Boy!"

"But Padfoot I thou-," pipes Peter.

"More time with Lily Evans! Isn't that what you want mate?"

James didn't answer. He wasn't in shock. Or dismay. Or hyper. He was drooling. A lot…on Sirius's hand…he's newly clean James-free hand! Remus contained a grin.

"Padfoot get a bucket!"

"Wormtail get a bucket!"

Peter ran to get a bucket. When he came back he saw a puddle… a HUGE puddle.

"Uh… it's… slimy!"

Remus laid James on his back as if he was about to do mouth to mouth resuscitation while Sirius and Peter bet on his life.

"3 sickle his dead!"

"Guys shut-up Prongs!" Remus slapped James lightly on his cheek. James snapped awake suddenly and began wailing a certain girls name… but with and 'E'

"LILL-EEEEEEEEE!"

Remus and Sirius flinch horribly, the sighed.

"He's back."

James on the other hand was deep in thought right after his drooling trance! He even had a funny frown on his face.

"Moony I just had a bad bad thought."

"Mmmm?"

"What happens if Lily think I'm not mature enough?"

"Er…"

"What happens if he see's right through me?"

"Um…."

"Remus you have to give me mature lessons!"

"Mature…lessons?"

"Yes…please" James went onto his knees as if begging for mercy, innocent tears were coming out of his eyes just like puss in boots from Shrek! Man if there was one thing James was talented at besides eating rotten tamotoes without spewing, it was begging!

_(Sirius tie up my shoes! _

_NO! _

_Please! Pulls face _

_Oh Fine! _

_Moony Pulls face can you kick Padfoot for me please! _

_It would be my Pleasure! _

_OW MOONY GO KICK JAMES!)_

Actually that was out of sheer enjoyment of kicking Padfoot.

"You can teach me alllll your k-nowledge!" James emphasized on the 'k'.

" Yeah! Moony can enlighten us on how to be boring!" Sirius squealed with sheer delight.

"HAR. Sodding. HAR! Prongs I can't mature you, you have to mature yourself!"

James sank low. Darn begging just didn't work when you grow older. Your eyes just weren't overlarge enough. Remus sighed.

"Prongs just…act mature. Don't make arsehole comments that bug Lily. Don't laugh at weird things. Offer to carry her stuff or something! Stop hexing people!"

"Oh Moony I stopped that ages AGO! Little leprechauns are actually quite cute!"

"James there…first years…"

"Either way…" James grinned roguishly. "What else have you got for me Moony?"

"Be yourself?"

"And flatter he with your wittiness and charm, then finally true love will come to you in a shoot of the eye!"

That wasn't Remus

Don't even look at Peter

Nope James is the one asking for help.

Yep, everyone was staring at Sirius Black as if he was a scarecrow made out of woolen socks.

"Thanks Padfoot, I'll keep that in mind…" replied James surprised etched his face. Sirius just shrugged before saying.

"I am smart aren't I?"

"Dazzle us," Remus commented sarcastically. He stood up ruffled James hair with a slight sympathetic smile, James knocked Remus's hands out of his untouchable hair that was only touchable when a) in a snog b) by Lily Evans c) when the marauders were doing it in a brotherly fashion (not that Peter could reach James's head, man, he could only grope James's but if he tried). Remus was teasing James and that wasn't in the 'a', 'b' or 'c' list.

"And don't be a prat James." And he stood up to probably to release in the toilet. Sirius skipped over to James in a very dainty manner and flounced on a chair.

"Prongs you're my best mate/ friend/ brother/ comrade/ buddy/ pal/ chum/ sidekick/ assistant/ follower/ right hand man/ left hand man/ right foot man/ left foot man/ chick- I get it Padfoot."

Sirius was a super synonym rambler. If not disturbed James would have to hit him. But when that happened Sirius would hit him back and right now James just wanted some how-to-get-Lily-advice.

"But I'm telling you! Your turning sentimental man!" Sirius patted his right cheek, which rubbed it in because Sirius NEW the left side was ALWAYS better! James frowned.

"Bite Me!" grumbled James still stressing with the fact that Lily was Head Girl and might of found him…weird…

"Your not licorice," pouted Sirius. "And I want LICORICE!"

"I've got licorice!" Peter squeaked happily.

"Give it…!"

And Sirius dived all his body weight onto Peter. And you know Sirius body weight. Peter could only give in because Sirius only had heavy body weight on his 'lower' part.

But Peter could beat Sirius's body weight A-N-Y time!

"I'll go write to Lily and tell her I'm Head Boy,' James proclaimed.

IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans

**---->James's POV ---- **

James was going to get Lily Evans!

He could feel it in his arse

Or maybe that was the stick…

He was going to show EVERYONE!

AND THEY ALL SHOULD HAIL ME! That was what was in Jamesie's Brain.

Okay, maybe not, but James neeeedddeeeedddd Lily Evans.

_…And she'll be called Lily Potter. _

_We'll have twenty-one kids. _

_And we will live in a comfortable home. _

_And have it as much as possible until she wants me to get castrated and become a monk. And my temple will be a Lily Temple with Lily smell. Lily flowers. Lily statues. _

_Ahh that would be heaven :):):)_ Enough of James's Brain

Anyways, James was going to tell Lily Evans maturely as possible that he was Head Boy. Right first he needed a quill. He looked under his bed. QUILL! _Pick it up James instead of stabbing around like a murder weapon_. James Potter wasn't going to revert back into that immature Lily-hater. _Right okay, ink Jamesie and don't I repeat DO NOT wave it around yelling IT'S RAINING BLACK INKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! _

_Ink, ink, ink, there we go. Sheesh these things just hide from you don't they? _

Now Parchment James and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GET ANOTHER PARCHMENT CUT!

James found all his necessity that the tiny voice in his head ordered him to get which sounded disturbingly like the author of this story.

_Dip Quill in ink. _

DONE!

Write Dear Lily in…

PINK!

James flinched at the HORRID colour. If he hated anything it was PINK! Yes, once in his life he did love it but then this is what the girls said to him after he announced it: 'What Are You gay or are you Gender confused?' James answered:

Sexually…frustrated.

And from then on PINK was the sexuality colour.

So James turned the Bottle Around.

_Mood Colour Changing Ink _ _Dazzle yourself with the whiz bang sudden changing of ink colour that will be from green to blue as soon as the ink touches the paper. _

_Colour Definition for Mood _

_Green: Happy, Delighted, joyous _

_Blue: Calm, cool, composed _

_Grey: Dull, Bored, Sad _

_Yellow: Hyper, Overjoyed, excited _

_Red: strained, stressed, worried _

_Pink: In Love _

_Purple: sexual frustration _

_Brown: Confused, messy_

James's eyes popped out on what caught his eyes.

And then this caught his eyes:

_Green: Happy, Delighted, joyous _

_Blue: Calm, cool, composed _

_Grey: Dull, Bored, Sad _

_Yellow: Hyper, Overjoyed, excited _

_Red: strained, stressed, worried _

_Pink: In Love_ _Purple: sexual frustration_ _Brown: Confused, messy_

But this kept him goggling:

_**Pink: In Love… **_

IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans IloveLilyEvans

"All this for a girl Moony?"

Sirius whined as Remus reread James's letter.

"I mean GEEZ Lily is hot! But…"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Sirius think of you and Alex."

"Douglas? Ew…that girls like…weird or something."

"Sure!"

There was silence. Peter was looking for the bathroom and probably lost. It was easy to get lost in the Potter mansion. Once Sirius got missing for three days and Mr. Potter found him snoring in the left wing of the house in a spare room.

"Yeah but his changing for a woman! Not just snogging her face off and getting it over with!"

"Padfoot, I think you know it as well as I do."

"No Moony!" Sirius shook his head.

"He is..."

"NOOOOOO MOONY!"

Sirius's eyes bulged suddenly and shook his head.

"How do you know?"

"Well he is head over heels in love with Lily!" Remus smirked weirdly.

"And his ink on this parchment is pink."

Sirius's gasped. _"Mood Colour Changing Ink's never wrong!"_

Remus nodded.

"Exactly, old Prongsie is in love."

Sirius re-gasped.

"LOVE?"

Then said:

"Wait I see a bit of purple isn't that sexual frustration?"

**A BIG THANKS TO pickles .are. cool. acorns. are. not! I LOVE YOU WOMEN! She has been the bestest supporter in the universe. Also I thank SpaZzZzZattack who has done A lot for me too!**

**Lol. Luv it? Hate it? Also I've noticed that there have been a lot of flames going around about: **

_**Copying **_

**There has been a girl on Fan fiction reviewing about copying _'procrastinator starting 2 moro? _If you got any of those plz email me or tell me on your review and I'll tell you the story (I know the person). She goes by the name of mystery OR the name of C-R-I-T-I-S-Z-O-R. **

**So review **

**Plz! **

**Aim: 27-30? More would be lovely! **

**Thanx **

**Addled.bRaIn **


	4. Demented Name Addlements

**Thanks to reviewers, I'm still waiting for constructive criticism waits.**

**On with the Fic.**

**Disclaimer: JK u are my god! I love the word sod! I own nothing not even a pod! I hope u like the sound clod! And I will kiss your mod? I own nothing if you didn't get my song.**

Moony would call it: Oh Merlin Really James!

**Padfoot would call it: James's head in the mind!**

**Wormtail would call it: MMMMM Rita Skeeter!**

Prongs would call it: Never smell like a squirrel in front of Evans 

**Lily would call it: Potter IS NOT Head Boy!**

Alex would call it: Oversized Slughorn boobs Piper would call it: FoOOOOD FIGGGGGGGGGHHHHT! 

**Kathryn would call it: OMG my nail broke!**

I would call it: Demented Names addlements (you pick your title) 

"Just walk through the wall."

"Lean against it!"

"No muggles are watching."

"No you're just to scared in case you ram your head onto the wall like you did in third year!"

"That was the dick of a head Potter he caused me this scar!"

Lily Evans isn't proud to announce her fatal mourn and fear of the barrier between platform 9 and 10. It all started with balloon boy Potter who was had a certain obsession of hexing Lily so when she attempted to walk through the barrier in third year WAM, the rest of the trip was painful… for Potter as Mrs. Potter had healed Lily on the spot added with a had thwack on James's head.

Then Lily had to deal with him… and James nearly became that castrated monk in his Lily-filled dreams.

"Would you like me and Piper to go in before you?"

Lily took a step back and held her hands out as if presenting the noble award for wild imagination.

"Be my guest."

Alex rolled her eyes and lunged right into the wall without a trace of suspicion. And

GLOOP it ate her up like a BIG pudding pie.

"Go on Lils!"

Lily rubbed her eyes. "Fine."

Lily pushed her and her trolley into he wall and felt like a great BIG pudding pie as she walked through it; but really she felt nothing.

"C'mon guys we've got to get good seats, you know the ones with pretty soft cushiony feels to them?" Piper said emerging from behind Lily, she pushed Alex and Lily forward but before they could move a step three people had pulled them into a deathly hug.

"Dearest Lilykins, Douglas and PIPPY!"

Sirius Black; tall (6'3), mysterious (I'll tell you only if you pay me), handsome (OMG doesn't Sirius look so much more handsome then a warthog?) and… hyper in the times of a good squealing was pulling off a death hug as his arm engulfed Lil, Alex and Piper ALL IN ONE!

"Ow Sirius geroff us or you'll squeeze my eyeballs off!"

Sirius let go.

"Aw, Lily you know you like it!"

"Like. My. Arse."

Piper smirked.

"Sirius I swear your arms will be stretched into skinny sting beans! **(lol my friend Brad uses that word a lot!) **Sirius good-naturedly shrugged off the comment.

"These are beautiful muscles; not beans!"

Alex snorted loudly.

"Must I cut out the beautiful bit?"

As if spotting Alex just all of a sudden Sirius gasped excitedly as if he was suffering from a bad case of alopecia (baldness).

"Must I point out that you didn't cut out the muscle bit?"

Lily and Piper exchanged a look. Not any normal look. The look. The exchanging look. The ones friends gave to each other when they were either:

a) Annoyed

b) Here-we-go-again

c) Hungry

But they just ate a really big breakfast so it was either a or b!

"Must I add in that I have a good urge to kick you in your—Sirius?"

Happily saving Lily's ears of hearing the aka. gonad word… again, Remus Lupin was smiling behind them with a decent look in his eyes… unlike Geoffrey's perverted look on Piper's arse.

"Moony! Haven't seen you in a long time!" squealed Sirius delightfully.

Remus rolled his eyes. "What was it? Er…3 seconds ago?"

"5 but close enough!"

Lily smiled; Remus had always been Lily's favourite marauder. He wasn't arrogant or to keen on groping Lily's arse. Like Geoffrey was. But Geoffrey wasn't a marauder. Sirius had to be second, yes he WAS a little demented and hyper, but in a way it was cute! And he had always been a great friend… better then Geoffrey would always be. Next coming third was Peter Pettigrew who Lily could never remember talking properly to but she was sure he was better then Potter. And in last place and probably proud he was even on the list James Potter. Known as Potter, annoying Potter, prick Potter if you want an alliteration or 'arrogant toerag' if you wanted an insult!

"So Lily! Your Headgirl this year?" Remus grinned.

"Yeah are you Head Boy Remus?"

Sirius gave a gender confused look. Remus followed the gender confused look. Alex rolled her eyes concealing her pupils for two seconds. Piper raised an eyebrow.

"Er…Lily didn't you get the owl about James?"

"YEAH you two are CHUMS!" Sirius clapped.

"He is NOT my CHUM!"

"Oh face it Lils he is!"

"No he's NOT!"

"She's in denial," whispered Alex hoarsely but audibly; Sirius and Remus made an 'o' shape with their mouths then simultaneously tilted their head like water aerobic people!

"_I am not in denial! Potter is NOT Head Boy!" _Lily knew that she knew that everyone new (besides Geoffrey) that they knew that the marauders knew that she knew that they knew that she knew that James Potter was ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Head Boy. The thought of that was preposterous and not to add faint- able.

"Physiological denial!" Piper added in an Alex copy hoarse voice. Alex crossed her eyes and twirled her finger around her ear mouthing 'c-a-ra-zy'!

"You know Lily a lot of girls would like to work with James," commented Remus with a small but scared smile. Piper frantically pulled a no-no look as she waved her had like a bird across her neck.

"Nuh-uh! Denied Lily angrily. But this was of course true, James was the hottest eligible bachelor plus it was rumoured that 'it' was BIG!

"Oi Hadfield do you want to work with James," Alex yelled out to a random Hufflepuff who had a serious case of… a large bum.

"Yeah Douglas what's it to you?"

…and a serious case of bitchiness…

Alex grinned giving a small side shrug to prove Remus's point.

Lily crossed her arms. Remus glanced at Sirius, Sirius glanced at Alex, Alex glanced at Piper, Piper glanced at Remus, Remus glanced at Lily, Lily glared at all off them and that killed the glance-a-thon.

"That's it Lillers Prongs isn't Head Boy!" Sirius gave a pat on the back. "So Douglas what were you going to kick?"

A good subject change!

"Your banana," Alex answered lamely.

"My banana I don't see any banana!"

"Look down!"

Not a good subject change!

"Er… how was your holiday Piper?" asked Remus pointlessly as he had spent time with her in Peru the whole time. Pity there was no snogging part of it…

"But Remus you were there…" Piper frowned not getting the fact that it was a subject change.

"Pip you told me there were a lot of hot boys in Peru! A particularly hot guy," Lily smiled mischievously.

"I had to apparate to Peru in the holidays with Prongs! Maybe you glimpsed me!" Sirius flicked back his hair in an attempt to look sexy **(not that he needs it! ).**

"Your sexiness is killing us Sirius!" Lily said sarcastically.

"Aw shucks Lils didn't know you thought that way!"

"By the way where is Potter, not hexing a first year I hope?"

"Lily he stopped that ages ago!" Remus pointed out obviously.

Lily shrugged.

"Lily…are you missing James?" Alex asked Lily cautiously scared of a mad redhead blow. But hell, she didn't know an 'Alex' blow.

"Pff, no!" _False alarm_

"Well frankly I think he needs to get rid of those glasses!"

They all turned to Sirius who was the center of attention again! The lucky booger. He put on his best confused face which was obviously real because Sirius Black was a HORRIBLE actor in front of… a person.

"Aren't we bitching about James?"

Everyone burst out laughing. Aw…priceless Sirius Black,

"Tsk, tsk Sirius I'll have to tell James you said that!" Piper shook her head and waggled her finger. Remus looked at his watch that was analogue!

"Well we've got to go and find good seats with squishy chairs for Sirius AND I need to go to the Heads Department?" Remus said with a small smile. He glanced a look at Piper. It was _the_ glance girls! Does anyone hear 'love is in the air'?

"Er…do you wanna come with?"

Piper gave a small smile. If she hadn't had a cool and calm reputation she would of squealed. Alex smirked at Sirius who smirked back. Then they realized they were smirking at each other and decided to direct their smirk to Lily. And she gave a small awww 'look'.

"Sure."

,.' '.,.' '.,.' '.,.' '.,.' '.,.' '.,.' 

James lounged on the head department's seat with an aura of _'I'm almighty'_ and a smell of dead squirrels mixed with heavy cologne. Now the aura of almighty was because he KNEW he was almighty. The cologne was understandable seeing as he would look like Santa Claus if he didn't shave and the cologne made him smell nice. But the dead squirrel smell mixed with the cologne wasn't nice as this made him smell like botobur pus being farted out of someone's arse.

The squirrel smell was from the sweat that clogged up in his hairy armpits. The sweat was from one and only one person, a person with red hair, a person who smelt like a flower, a person who had sparkling emerald eyes AND a girl who was about to see how mature he had turned into!

_Be smart, don't be immature and DO NOT James DO NOT WHATEVER YOU DO ask Lily Evans out! Wait…isn't Moony suppose to be telling you this I'm suppose to be encouraging abnormal immaturity defects… MOONY MOONY!_

And that was what James would do.

Mature. Smart. Funny. Polite!

He ruffled his hair he knew in a few minutes Lily would find he was Head…soon enough she would! James gazed around at the heads compartment. It reminded him of one and one only thing. Dumbledore's office. But this was only due to the fact that there was an abnormal artifact lying on the table.

_What happens if Lily doesn't like the new me?_

James suddenly grew pale. What happened if the teeny-weeny voice in his head was right?

_No worries you know you're a good person deep down inside!_

James flinched in an odd sort of manner. "Moony was that you?"

_Er…hate to break it to you but you haven't changed one bit!_

James look changed from shocked to really shocked. "Padfoot are you in my head?"

_Eh…no er…I am your conscious listen to the voices!_

James frowned. "Voices? You sound more of a hippo!"

_Don't dis your conscious it's against law!_

_Padfoot the day you become a conscious is the day you go out with Snape_

"_Shut-up" Brain smack_

Brain smacks weren't normal smacks thwy were makes given to people through brain waves so of course Remus felt this and received a dizzy shock but since it was James they were infesting James received a horrible blow of headaches.

"OW ShIt! You stupid Bugger what are you doing in my brain anyways?" asked James quite annoyed. _Stupid twats_ James thought irritabily.

_Prongs we can hear what your thinking!_

_Screw… what are you doing in my head!_

_Padfoot placed the talaplathathic spell on you in the morning when you were asleep, that's why you saw him standing in front of you cramming your snitch up you nose._

_Prongs you have big nostrils!_

James ignored that. Many Hogwarts girls said that he had wonderful Nostrils in the matter of snogging. James hit Sirius telepathically.

_Ow! Twat! Bugger that hurts!_

_Suck it up!_

_Grr…!_

_I'd like you out of my head now guys._

_WHY SHOULD WE?_

_Because Remus needs to be at the heads department…_

_Oh Bugger I Forgot!_

_And if you don't get out I'll unleash Alex on you!_

_Hell No you stupid twat she kicks like a mad Rhino!_

_Padfoot…_

_FINE FINE I'm out._

James heard no more of the annoying voices that strangely bickered to him about nostrils so James set his mind staring at the door to the heads department. Lily Evans topic on his mind of course seeing as she couldn't be more… fantasy-able! **(HAHA I hope you got the crack arse joke there!). **

How exactly would she react seeing him as head boy instead of Remus, Amos or heck…Snape…but that was a little low because Severus Snape a.k.a. Snivellus the wonder-granny-pants, was a greasy _mudblood _repeating obsessed with scribbling in books and saying I AM THE MIGHTY HALF-BLLOD PRINCE git…

Maybe Sirius was right he did he did have big nostrils…but then again Sirius thought many things including why girls would bunch up together like the dirt in his feet.

_SMACK HEY!_

_SIRIUS I TOLD YOU GET OUT OR I'M GETTING ALEX **AND** LILY!_

_Okay Jesus!_

"Lily!" Remus yelled like a wailing toilet seat when he spotted the redhead. Who was ambling slowly towards the prefect compartment as if she was suffering some horrible piles.

"Hello Remus." Lily bunched up a forced smile that looked like she was baring her teeth at Geoffrey… receiving an almighty staring from Remus…a stare of absolute sacredness.

"Er…Lily…"

"Yes Remus?"

"Prefects compartment is that way!"

Lily looked at the direction she was going to in front of her was the official snoggatory compartment.

She heard a bunch of banging and Moaning.

"Oh…hahaha!"

Remus gave her concerned look…was Lily's brain…squashed into…bubbles?

"Er…Lily…"

"YES Remus?"

"Er…are you okay…?''

Lily pulled another HorrIble smile with a capital 'I'. It reminded Remus of the scary clown that went around impaling balloon knives into random people.

"Yes Course!"

There was moment of silence. Horrible silence. Slightly demented silence…

But silence anyways…

"Remus…" Lily used a low…not a man tone because it was hard for a girl to impersonate them but a …low…soft tone…

"Yes?"

"Is James Potass I mean…er…" Lily blushed when she realize she called James Potter, Potass a nickname that she invoked rightfully his in some time when she was angrily rambling ON and ON and ON about Potass.

It was lucky she didn't say Pot_cute_ass.

"James really head boy? AND DON'T LIE TO ME!"

She pointed a horrible finger at Remus, which could of groped Remus's eyeball. Remus sighed. For a top Newt student Lily sure did like to put her poor brain in denial.

"Yes Lily, James Potter or Potass if that what you want to call him," Lily went as red as a snotty runny nose, "Is the new and official Head Boy with you…"

Lily looked lamely at Remus.

"Is your prefect arse of a brain shitting me?"

Lily was happy she hadn't slipped in the word _cute _again seeing as the marauder's all had cute arses…even Peter…even Peter…?

Remus shrugged. "No… as weird and off rocker it is his head boy…"

"He didn't swap his letter with your or…" remus shook his head as Lily held onto the last piece of denial...

Lily groaned an. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

"Lily you'd be surprised his changed a lot."

Remus crossed his hands behind is back. The only thing James had changed was his love for Lily into an !obsession! with Lily.

"Er…I find that somewhat hard to believe…"

Remus did his best to be the good great grand happy maraudering marauder friend of James Potter he was and chipped in some fat load of lying flattering dung about James.

"He has, he isn't as immature as he use to be his a grown up man with…er…"

Lily raised an eyebrow, as she and Remus were standing in front of the Prefects compartment door. Instead of a giant slate with the words

"**Prefects Compartment"**

it read:

"**James Potter's Compartment kiss my hairy balls if you aren't a marauder or Lily…" **

"I think the only thing that has changed with Potter is… he isn't afraid to word the fact that he has a hairy penis…" Lily looked at the sign amusedly.

Lily cringed at the mental thought of bushes of hair…

"E-h-e-w-w-w-w-w…" She shivered.

Remus tried his best not to think of what he would say in his friend's funeral while ignoring the sign…ALL IN ONE! HE turned the doorknob.

James saw the doorknob turn a little, he knew with his brain, heart and balls that it was Remus and Lily.

And then…

She emerged.

It was Lily! A drool-worthy girl walked through the door with Remus.

James contained the drool making his cheeks bulge. He swallowed the drool. With a sauve and I am SO COOL! Tone he said in a low 'mature' voice.

"Hey Evans!"

He expected hyperventilation, he expected 'OMIGOD I THOUGHT THAT LETTER YOU GAVE ME WAS A SHIT ARSE LETTER' or plonk But Lily said this:

"I'm happy being a Lily, Potter seeing as I don't have to suck your balls."

She quirked a finely waxed eyebrow.

James didn't see this coming so he stumbled on a snail that got onto the train but regained his HAHA I AM SO COOL SO GO SCREW THE WHOMPING WILLOW composure.

"Hairy balls, Evans, Hairy."

Remus took Lily's place of an OMG POTTER look and slapped his head with his hand multiple times. He walked over to talk to Ollie, the Ravenclaw Prefect.

Slappity slapper slap

Lily looked a little disturbed.

"Look here Potter I really don't like you and I know you er…have an obsession with me and would grasp at the opportunity if I allowed you to grope me."

"…Can I?"

"No, you perverted lump of saggy fat."

James looked a little disappointed seeing as groping was one of hid 'best' traits. Lily simply rolled her eyes showing her funny white bits.

"So get this clear Potter, while being Heads, believing that you will leave me all the work and duties I will say this: If you dare you I will condemn you to Satan."

James put on a confused face.

"Who's Satan? Piper…?"

Lily sighed as she let go of James's collar something she didn't even notice she was doing but that was a little silly because James had gone a horrid green colour which could clearly resemble Petunia's face.

"Let's just get this over with."

"Okay Evans cool!"

James conjured two thrones and put the paper crown he made last night on his head and the other on Lily's. Lily looked up at it slightly overwhelmed.

James placed his arse on the chair in one of his NOW I'M REALLY COOL composure leaning horizontally one side of an arm rest and swinging his legs over the other.

"Oi! Species similar to Remus!" bellowed James.

"Prefects please gather around!" Lily sat uncertainly on her chair when they did like little itty-bitty tetchy creatures obeying the top dung beetles Lily continued.

"Okay, glad to see you all again, I'm Lily Evans and this is James Pot…"

_Potass_

A name popped up in her head.

"James Pot…"

_Potecuteass_

James Pot…"

P_ervcuteass_

James gave Lily a significent your-hot-but-are-you-okay look and I swear it looked scarier then a dandelion.

"Er…Evans its Potter…"

"Yeah…" Lily finished lamely.

The old Prefects thought that Lily and James were off their rockers that tiny little sparks were flying out of them. The new Prefects just thought they needed there rockers replaced.

"Anyways, um, we're your Heads for this year and we hope to do our best even is I have Potarse…er…" Lily blushed as the Prefects smothered giggles or did a Ginny by stuffing knuckles in the mouth. "With me here…"

James felt flattered.

Lily Evans had given him a nickname.

Maybe it did contain the word arse in it but a name anyways. He smiled like a stupid pansy that just had manure covered on it.

"Firstly I'd like to start with-"

"THE NAME GAME!" yelled James making Lily to jump out of her seat, knock over the throne, drop the crown and squash the snail that James tripped on earlier. That was said because this snail was pregnant!

"Name game…?" asked Lily.

"Yeah!"

"But…er…Potter…" Lily looked a little confused/ worried/ stupefied/ blundered and christful seeming to beg for a giant bolt to strike James and castrate him,

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?" James thought all of Lily's mingled lookes was a look of delight and take-me-now-James-you-god.

"You learn the name game in Kindergarten…" James gaped… but he loved the name game…

"So…?"

"It's irreversibly pointless and odd…"

"EMAG EMAN EHT!" James attempted.

"What…"

"You said it irreversible!"

"Potter I meant…gah…you know what? I can't handle your random immaturity right now!"

"I just want to play the name game!"

"No it's pointless Potter!"

"All in favor of the name game raise your hand!"

No one rose their hand. In fact the prefects were attempting to stuff there hands underneath the ground getting it to as low as possible.

"See HUH EVANS majority R-U-E-S… er I mean R-U-L-E-S!"

"Prongs and Lily why don't you just ask every ones names?" shouted Remus in fear that Lily might break his nose or worse get Geoffrey to grope him…

They both shrugged.

James pointed at random hobo-look-alike.

"You…what's your name and what house are you prefect for?"

The mousy boy looked a little bit overwhelmed. "My names…Ollie…Tabooger…I'm Ravenclaw prefect…"

James stared at him.

And in

T

E

N

Seconds

"Ollie Tabooger?"

He

Did

A

"Ollie Tabooger?"

Horrible

Thing

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OLLIE TABOOGA? I'll… eat … a … bogga! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**(A/N: Say it slowly Oll...ieat… a…bogga)**

Lily looked at James in disgust. "I think er…Ollie Tabooger is a wonderful name."

Unfortunately Lily said this very, very s…l…o…w…l…y so she sounded as if she wanted to eat her booger. This sent James on a brink of more hysteria.

"Er… whats your name?" She asked the other Ravenclaw prefect.

"You wanna suck cock…"

She answered loftily looking superior. Lily looked offended as she heard a barbaric word come out of the girl's mouth.

"Excuse me?"

"You wanna suck cock…"

"I'm sorry you're a Ravenclaw Prefect!"

"You wanna suck cock is her name Lily…Yvonna Sukok…" Remus cut in tiredly looking a bit scared at Yovonna cracking her neck…

Lily blushed like a red hungey panda man… "Oh er..hahaha…" The girl cracked her knuckles, James burst out laughing as his conjured throne tipped over.

"I really don't think the head boy should laughing!" blurted out the Hufflepuff prefect looking angry as the Slytherin Prefects sniggered amongst eachother.

"What your name?" James asked as he caught the word Head Boy.

"Seymour…Buttocks…"

James this time didn't know wgat wa funnir the fact that buttocks was his last name or if he want James to look at more arses.

He giggled like a stupid Poppy brain.

He Blushed angrily. "Well he names Anita Bath!"

The Hufflepuff covered her face as James banged gis head on the chair it looked as if he was trying to molest a chair…

Lily looked frightened at James hysteria, not to mention angry.

"Shut up you crack, I suppose you'd find it funny that The Slytherin Prefects are called Mike Rotch?"

Lily could find a single joke to this. But James was going giddy with Laughing. "Mike Rotch FREELY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA good Merlin HAHHAHA!"

"What?" Lily asked hotly. "What's so funny?

James giggled. "Say it slowly Evans!

"WhatMy…Crotch?"

James gasped for air. "I can't believe you fell for that HAHAHAHAHA!"

Lily's face went from boiling point to really boiling point. James pointed at the other Slytherin.

"Oi! You, other Slytherin Prefect what's your name?"

The Slytherin smirked. "Irene Parker Freely you stupid Head Wanker find something to laugh out of that!"

James looked blank for a second.

And

Then

He

Found

Something

Funny

Out

Of

It

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IRENE PARKER FREELY! HAHAHA! I.P Freely! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I.P FREELY! Hee Heeee Heee!"

The girl looked disgruntled. "You Mudblood lover!"

James chucked her out of the train for saying the 'M' word which wasn't Motherfucker.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

But this still kept James Light in mood. Seeing as he discovered all his little midget Prefect buddies all had demented names.

"Oi Ivana!"

The Gryfindor Prefect besides Remus (Sixth year) faced James. "Yes?"

"Is your last Name tinkle?"

He was getting ready to giggle but really he was going to act like a real asshole.

"No it's Hump…"

"Not timkle but AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA anyways. HAHAHAHAHA hohohohho hehehehehehe! AHAHAHAHA! Oi is there no Prefect with a weird name?"

Remus raised an annoyed eyebrow. James looked at Remus.

"Er...besides Remus."

All the Prefects with demented names that was all out of the simpsons, futurama looked at there feet. The Slytherin that managed to climb back onto the train, glared at James with detest.

Lily, new it was time for the name game to finish and major castration.

"Potter shut your bloody face or I'll hex you so you grow moobs!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THEY HAVE SUCH WEIR NAMES! What you say Lilykins?"

"Moobitto!"

Lily swished her wand with pure rage that she now looked like some type of loony along with Potter which she WASN'T as she didn't finf any name hilarious…except for I.P Freely…. But that was ONLY because she was a Slytherin!

James's chest started poking out.

"What The Bloody hell?"

His nipples began to sag that it reached all the way to the floor and everyone saw it.

"Ewwwwwwwwww!"

Remus smothered his face from laughing. Oh how funny it was going to be when he told and showed Sirius?

"Who's got a Camera?" Lily yelled.

"I do!"

She held the camera up to catch the Moobing Potter who was saying an assotment of swear words including "Ah I have mobs like Geoffrey!"

"Say cheese Potter!"

CLICK FLASH!

"DO you think there dead?" Sirius asked Piper who was the only one in the compartment who was talking to Sirius seeing as Peter had gone to Rita Skeeters (Ravenclaw) compartment (his new girlfriend) and Kathryn would just giggle…

"Well judging by the number of yells we heard er…yeah!" Piper answered a little wearily. "Where's Remus?"

"At the Prefects Compartment…I swear I just heard the word Moobs!" Alex said seeing as she had super sensitive squealing hearing that all Mary-Sues writers give their character.

"Nuh-Uh Douglas it was the word tubes!"

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"What does Tubes have anything to do with it?"

Sirius looked at her shocked as if she was the bimboest and dumbest person that laid foot on Earth.

"Are you a crazy Bimbo? Think of Boob tubes?" Sirius grinned as he thought of his horrible fetish to see one.

"Erm… Black I'm a girl…so yes…and how do you even know what a boob tube is? Do you use it to hold in your Moobs?"

"I don't have moobs! Jesus Douglas your touché! You just spoiled the thought of me seeing your boobs!"

"Does your mind revolve around groping, feeling, eating and well … Sex?"

Piper decided to stay out of this argument seeing as if she pointed out and helped Alex with the fact that Sirius was a sexually frustrated perving tensioned person who's mind was corrupted by hormones he would bite her…

"Of course it doesn't look _Alexandra _if Siri says that their he doesn't have moobs and heard the word boob tube then he did!" Kathryn squealed in her high-pitched unnatural squeally voice which peeves me off everly so.

Alex's eyes twitched. She hated the name 'Alexandra' and if she had a beaters bat with her she would knock Kathryn out and give her a lump ontop of a lump and a covered with a bruise and a tiny flag on the top of the lump?

"Er…" Piper tried to avert the subject to something else.

"So when did Skeeter and Peter get together?"

"Skeeter is a lump of fat and baked potatoes and she would go well with Black here!" Alex said off-handedly.

"SHE DOES NOT! TAKE THAT BACK YOU HOBO BUMMY HOBO! I Will Keeeeelll you!"

The girls gave him a weird look. "Er…"

"Er…" Sirius didn't like unwanted attention it made him go red, redder the redheads with red hair. "I Vant to suck you blood?"

Kathryn giggled.

Alex gave him a lame can-I-kick-your-arse-now look.

Piper shrugged at why she ever considered Sirius Black as one of her friends and shoved on her stylish reading glasses which, made her look (as James and Sirius say) professionally hot and took out the latest Witch Weekly edition.

"Close your eyes Black and hold out your hand…"

Thinking automatically that Alex was going to give him a lolly and the sawing sweet tooth in his back left mouth. Seeing as the fat and strangely wrinkly lolly lady who was only ever heard saying 'anything off the trolley dear' had not came back he automatically agreed.

"Okay well that's cool I always liked-OW!"

Alex gave him a pigeon slap.

"You poo!" he wailed.

Alex shrugged. "You achieve the weird limit every day Black."

Sirius quickly switched his place from Alex to Piper.

"Pipe!"

Piper turned to barely darted her eyes away from the magazine.

"What do you want Sirius?"

"Seeing as you're the nicest and the smartest girl in the school I'm going to complain to you."

Piper put down her magazine as a smile tinged slowly on her lips.

"Hate to break it to you but the reason why I don't so many guys was because they always whined and couldn't hold an intelligent conversation with me."

"Wait…HEY!"

"Actually that's true Piper is the worst listener in the world! She doesn't listen!"

Kathryn who gave a flirtatious smile. Then Sirius gave Piper a scary what type of look seeing he thought Piper was Perfect…then again anyone who could pull of professionally hot was perfect in Sirius's eyes seeing as visually disordered people were usually nerds…well with the exception of James.

Then again James was pretty nerd-a-holic when it came to Lily.

Piper shrugged trying her best to keep her facial expression straight as a rock can. But she failed making her look like a laughing stone monkey.

"Well I'm suh-orrrryyyy! I have a small attention span!" Piper said very uncharacteristically like. Think Sirius mixed with Peter.

But suddenly there was another castration like sound.

BANG or SNAP

And there were raging people who were running around the school corridor. Alex stood up and opened the compartment door. "What the-"

"GIVE IT BACK LILY!"

Lily run as if she was attempting to fly with James tailing her like shit, I mean sheep. Her face was as red as an over-sneezed red nose. She chucked a pile of what looked like cards at Remus who was walking straight to the compartment.

"Run, Remus take it and run go show it to the schools biggest gossiper."

'Moony." Complained James moaning like a long-tongue Giraffe. Remus strolled casually up to the compartment where Piper reserved Remus a small smile.

"Hello Remus…"

Remus gave a jittery smile.

"Hey Piper."

Sirius was thinking along different lines as he saw Remus breathing hard and short.

"Did you just have sex Moony? You dirty son of a gun! With who Ms what's-her-last name-here?"

He pointed his ugly non-French-manicured finger at Piper. Alex rolled her eyes at Sirius's stupid idiotic plastered grin-ness. She killed a few of Sirius's brain cells.

"OW."

"Sirius you retarded Mork!"

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Alex. Being smarter then Sirius and the rest of the grade Remus raised been an eyebrow with a witty comment.

"Sirius…? Piper has sitting right in front of you while I was at the prefect meeting."

"…Oh-ses…"

Alex rolled her eyes. Piper bit her lip to prevent laughter. Kathryn hoped that Sirius's head was okay. Remus gave an I'm-so-much-better-then-you look.

"LIL-EEEEEEE! MOONY GIVE IT HERE NOW!"

Lily ran in puffing making Sirius think along the lines of what Remus had just been doing.

"HEY you guys had Firewhiskey without me!"

"Lils!" James whined running in and spotted the photos in Remus's hand.

"Remus!" He reached for the photos when Remus chucked the batch to Piper, James dived for it but she chucked it to Alex.

"Al' I-Petrificous totalus"

James froze as Lily shot a quick freezing charm on him she turned the photos around. James's eyeballs darted around scarily like the mono lisa which followed you.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM."

The sound of moan or lust, it was hard to tell.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Alex skimmed her eyes through the moving pictures of James with oversized Moobs growing bigger and bigger and then him doing a certain moob jig dance.

Sirius whipped over like a 'twinkle-toes' while his eyes enlarged like he was on steroids. But he wasn't…was he?

…NAH!

"WOAH HO! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sirius watched James-in-the-picture stick a finger at Sirius as his mobs jiggled with effort.

"EUGH! Eww!" Kathryn shivered. "That is so not you!"

Lily roared in maniac laughter, Piper gaped in a smirk-a-tive type of way. "Okay Lily spill on why you enlarged James's nipples…

"HAHEHEHAHAHAHEHEHE!"

Lily was out of breath. Alex, Piper and Sirius glanced at each other in a 'er…' sort of way.

"Prongs here was laughing at well…prefect's names!" Remus responded for Lily as she was still in her hysterics range.

"Oka-WHAT WERE THEY?" Sirius cut through Kathryn with a slight confuzzlement look on his face quirking his eyebrow again and again and again.

"Well…er…" Remus knew that Sirius would burst in hysterics if he told him what the names were.

"Ollie tabooger…" James responded the hex seemingly wore off, wait, it took at least 30min for that hex to wear off…so that meant. Kathryn smirked as she took the hex of James.

"Ollie…Ta…Booger…" Sirius's eyeballs bulged again with is steroid look. "Ollie…tabooger! GOOD LORD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll eat a booger! WOW!"

James smirked! "You haven't heard it all Padfoot! Think Yvonna Sukok!"

There was a ten second maraudering silence…then!

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

James and Sirius burst out in pysocopathic laughing!

Lily rolled her eyes as she obviously found this unentertaining.

"Really! There names!"

"JUST gasp NAMES! YVONNA SUKOK! HAHAHAHAHA! It's AS FUNNY AS YVONNA HUMPALOT!"

Remus sighed. "Oh not this Yvonna sequence again!"

Piper had a tiny smile hanging on her mouth. But It probably was the rain of spit Sirius and James were pouring on each other as they laughed, not the names.

Lily shook her head as they burst in a hysterical more laughter.

"Immature! The lot of you! Weird pooping immaturity have got to your heads!

"Er…so what happened to his." Alex jerked a hand over at James, "over enlarged Professor Slughorn version of Moobs?"

"Remus took the spell of him, really it suited him I don't know why he did!"

James stopped laughing like a bumbling mad hyena.

"Lil-eieieieie!" James used his over-powering tone changing complaining voice."

She rolled her eyes and imitated him with no difficulty.

"Poh-terERERERereRER!

James pouted.

"Any thing of the trolley dears?"

The hysterical chatters of talk stopped for a bit. The granny who could only say anything off the trolley dears came in view. Sirius and James looked at eachother.

"Oh Lord!" Remus said with slight horror in his voice.

"What?" asked Piper warily!

"Remus…it's not gonna happen is it?" Alex and Remus glanced at each other (seeing as Alex knew James since James couldn't even remember. It was this odd pureblood interrelating thing and seeing as James's mother accidentally spilt pumpkin juice on Alex's thus they were good spilling motherly drink friends.

"What?" asked Lily noticing the scary shock of a twittchitated voice.

"UH OH!"

"Can someone tell us what happening?" cried Kathryn!

"$H!T $H!T $H!T $H!T $H!T!" Sweared Alex meaning it was something bad!

Lily noticed James's malicious glaring at the food. A sudden relisation dawned on her face.

Piper glanced at Lily who was looking shocked. "What? Wha-a-a-a-t?

"Are we going to die?" asked Kathryn.

"Remus? What's happening?"

"HIDE!" HE yelled at the exact moment James and Sirius squealed in an unnaturally high voice.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

Remus, Lily, Alex, Piper and Kathryn dawned in shockness…you didn't was to see Sirius and James in a food fight mode.

"OH NO YOU DON'T POTTER!"

SPLAT

James cheered in happiness as he splatted the girl of his dreams! She gaped in a revengeful sort of way!

"YOU ARE SO PAYING FOR THAT!"

SPLAT

"KEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!"

It's easy to say that the lady who could only say anything off the trolley dear zoomed away with her trolley. It was easy to say that the compartment was going to be hyperactively messy as you hear.

"OMG I BROKE A NAIL!"

It was easy to say that this was the year! The year that was last! The differetional year where things were going to change…

**Long ship me I know! I was rambling on and on! It's all from Simpsons and Futurama the names? Lol! Geoffrey is a perverted dipshit in my school. Welll review!**

**I'm looking for a beta coz of my horrible writing.**

**BETA UP FOR GRABS!**

**And u have to be dedicated and obsessed with Lily and James!**


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